Woe, Frolic, Dread and Malice

And if you don't recognize the Four Tempers, you must have been severed from popular culture. These news articles will bring you up to date, praise Kier.

Regional resident says his cat predicted “Severance” plot twists

Hazel, shown here absorbed by the recent “Severance” Season 2 finale, is a keen observer of the sci-fi TV thriller and reportedly helps her human housemates “figure out what’s going on.”

PORTLAND — A regional resident who lives in this confusing metropolis says his 2-year-old cat has “figured out” what’s happening in the AppleTV series “Severance.”

The resident said young Hazel the cat has watched each episode multiple times and has developed unusual insight as a result.

“Both seasons, praise Kier,” the man told reporters who had been assigned to pursue “Severance” feature stories no matter how lame or contrived the angle.

Pressed for specifics, the man said Hazel “knew where Milchick was headed before any of the rest of us. And Helly R. too, not to mention Mark S. and Ms. Casey.” The assembled news crews began packing their gear and did not ask him to elaborate.

The man said he’s asked Hazel “not to spoil it” for the rest of the household.

Network spokesperson Harmony Cobel said she has “never heard” of a cat watching the hit show.

“What kind of cat?” Cobel asked departing news crews.

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Researchers say area cats also display “innie” and “outie” behavior

Gus, an area cat known for his aggressive outdoor antics, pauses before passing through an entrance that changes his personality to that of a sleepy tom.

PORTLAND — A brief but intense study of cats at a local home indicates they display disconnected personalities much like the characters on the “Severance” television series.

“They have computer chips under their skin that trigger a cat door opening, kind of like what happens in the elevator in ‘Severance,’ " a researcher at Lumon Industries told reporters who had been assigned to chase yet another story about the AppleTV series Tuesday.

“One minute they’re outside, jumping up trees and dashing about, then — click — they come inside and doze on the couch,” the researcher said. “We call them outies and innies. It’s like they don’t even know it’s happening.”

The researcher invited news crews to attend a “music dance experience” in celebration of the achievement, but they departed instead.

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Mournful muffin wishes it were office party fare like waffles or melons

A rueful blue-full muffin said he and his companion are the last of a dozen who once filled the breakfast basket.

PORTLAND — “When it’s your time to be eaten, may you go with nimbleness and probity,” the muffin said as he and a lone companion waited at the bottom of a wicker breakfast basket located in this tony town.

“We all aspire to that,” the muffin told a rising mass of half-baked reporters Tuesday. He said 10 of his batch mates had already been consumed. “Praise Kier,” he said.

But the muffin said he had hoped to be served at a Lumon Industries “Muffin Party” in celebration of the mysterious and important work accomplished by the company’s crew of macrodata refiners.

“In addition to Mexican blueberries, we’re packed with vision, verve, wit and cheer — that’s four of the Nine Principles right there!” the muffin exclaimed. “So I thought, well, maybe they’ll choose us to…aieeee!…”

He was unable to elaborate.

A Lumon spokesman declined to discuss the incident.

“Devour feculence,” spokesman Seth Milchick intoned to departing news crews. “Off you go.”

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Regional resident suspects he’s a “different person” in his kitchen

A local man, at all other times a genial gentleman, managed to snap this photo just as a mysterious technology transformed him into a demanding kitchen tyrant.

PORTLAND — An elderly man has discovered he is “like a different person” when he enters his kitchen, and suspects a “Severance” type scenario is taking place.

“Out here, I’m a kindly, bumbling but generally harmless old fool,” the man told reporters gathered in his yard for what they hoped was the last story they have to do on the over-hyped television series.

“But when I step into the kitchen — ding! — I start yelling at people who load the dishwasher wrong and forcefully shoo them out when I’m cooking,” the man wailed. “And they dare not displace my new Lumonaire appliances!”

He invited reporters to stay for freshly baked chamomile and lavender cookies — “Ms. Cobel’s recipe,” he said — but they had to depart.

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Yes, we’re WAY too obsessed with “Severance” in our household. I’ll personally admit to having watched each episode of Season 1 four times, and I’m up to two viewings of several Season 2 episodes. Producer Ben Stiller and star Adam Scott (“Mark S.” on the show) have an entertaining "Severance" podcast you might enjoy.