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New tour champion orders loyalty oath; cites authority under “power” of Golden Eagle medallion!
PORTLAND (ONS) — Newly crowned Portland Seniors Tour champion Knowledgable Scotty Learned wasted no time demonstrating his dominance Tuesday, issuing executive orders that require tour contestants and employees to swear loyalty to him and to follow his dictates.
One of the new administrative orders endorsed and adopted by tour officials requires players to wear “Eagle Approved” Learned Linkswear products during competitive play. “It means no more bad socks, we know that,” a tour board member nervously joked to reporters. “It’s his other dictates I’m worried about.”
He declined to elaborate.
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Former icon Irons reportedly turns to “dark arts” in attempt to recapture golf greatness!
PORTLAND (ONS) — Eric Irons, the former sweet swinger beloved by so many, is a broken man and will never again dominate the tattered Portland Seniors Tour, observers here confided Tuesday.
“It’s sad,” one observer observed. “He can’t hit the ball and now he’s walking around all cloaked up like he’s some kind of Sith Lord or something.”
“More like a Six Lord, because that’s what he’s taking on the Par 4s out here,” another tour observer quipped. He did not elaborate.
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Tour officials approve course name change; Irons reportedly refuses Masters invite!
PORTLAND (ONS) — Venerable East Morescoreland Golf Course in Southeast Portland, considered the “birthplace” of the Portland Seniors Tour, will be known by a new name as 2024 tour play begins in earnest this month.
Reflecting the evil inflicted by the course on even the finest tour players, it has been renamed East Mordorland, PST officials revealed Tuesday. The name is an apparent reference to a frightening eastern region depicted in literature and film.
“You half expect a cave troll to come out of the trees, smacking your ball down with those giant, twisted limbs,” a spokesman for the tour commissioner’s office said.
The new name better reflects the “troubled times” now afflicting the tour and its top players, a tour source added.
In yet another stain on the tour’s previously shiny image, a source close to former top tier tee titan Eric Irons said he won’t attend the upcoming Masters Tournament this week.
“They want him to do the ceremonial tee shot on the first day, and you know that eats at him like a thing that, you know, kind of gnaws at you in a bothersome way,” a member of Irons’ inner circle said. “He feels like he could still win the thing if it weren’t for all the people conspiring against him.”
He did not elaborate.
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Officials declare end to annual Magnolia assault; “final” cleanup begins!
PORTLAND (ONS) - Officials in this celebrated city say a Malden Street magnolia tree that drapes sidewalks and parked cars with sodden blossoms has finished its annual spring mess and “should cause no more problems until next year.”
Speaking at a news conference Tuesday, the leader of a local sweeping crew said only a final cleanup remains to restore order.
“Our long national nightmare is over,” the cleanup superintendent said. He did not elaborate.
Experts say the magnolia, known in some regions as a “tulip tree,” is beautiful for “about three days” as it blossoms, then begins dropping repeated blankets of soggy flowers, usually in association with pelting rain and cold wind. The resulting rotting mess reportedly blocks storm drains and poses a “slipping hazard” to passersby in addition to people who are walking in the area.
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Grim coffee cup discovery prompts warning; officials decry “dangerous trend”
PORTLAND (ONS) — A resident of this celebrated city who lost his coffee cup three times in a single morning acknowledged he ignored official warnings concerning a rise in “microwave missing” cases.
“I went to heat up my coffee for 30 seconds and the next thing I knew, I couldn’t find my cup,” the man lamented at a hastily assembled news conference Tuesday. “And of course it was in the stupid microwave, just like the two times before that.”
“I should have known better,” the man said. He declined to elaborate.
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Man, cat, say life with heads stuck together requires “adjustments” but is otherwise tolerable!
PORTLAND (ONS) — Despite some problems eating, driving, climbing trees and skittering after mice, a local resident of this celebrated city says he and his cat “do pretty good” with their heads stuck together.
“We mainly enjoy the same things, like watching TV, so that makes it easier,” the man said, resting in his home Tuesday after he and the cat, named Gus, took part in local Magnolia Sweeping Day observances.
“Sometimes I have to get closer into his food bowl than I like, or he’ll take a swipe at something I’m forking into my mouth, but for the most part it works out,” he said.
The man said the facial stuckage situation developed when he and Gus began greeting each other with a morning head bonk.
“Then one day we just stuck and it’s been like that ever since,” the man said. He refused to elaborate.
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“Strategic” March mows now seen as key to lawn order!
PORTLAND (ONS) — Lawn analysts who criticized a regional resident’s repeated March mowings now concede the man “may have been ahead of the game” as the spring advances into yet another month.
The lawnowner mowed an unprecedented four times in March, causing early alarm and criticism in this celebrated city’s grass tending circles. But skeptics now agree the mower’s push for early cuttings has put him in good stead as April unfolds.
“Well, you see what’s he’s done there is get his grass set at the right height to practice pitching wedge shots, should he take up golf, for example,” one expert intoned. “Very strategic, very much so.”
For his part, the lawnowner said growing conditions forced his hand.
“I was seeing April growth rates in March and knew I had to take action or I’d be baling hay out here by June,” the man said, twirling a golf club as he toured reporters about the grounds. He was not asked to elaborate.
Abundant thanks for these updates, Eric! Were it not for you, many of us would not know about these important events and issues. And so I must also offer abundant thanks for all the smiles they give me.
😄