The Return of Meds Mulligan

The golf world is abuzz - abuzz, we say - as the Portland Seniors Tour's top tier tee titans tip off the fall season Tuesday at the venerable Rose City course.

ONS PHOTO - Once considered fast friends, members of the Portland Seniors Tour’s so-called “Big Four” now hate each other’s guts, thanks primarily to limping legend Eric Irons’ continued dominance of his hapless foes. But Irons, front left, reportedly has a “special relationship” with troubled young pro Medicinal Mike Mulligan, front right, an occasional tour champion. The focus Tuesday will be on Meds, making his comeback from a pioneering spinal tap procedure in which Irons, his beloved mentor, is now known to have played a critical if “bizarre” role. Other members of the famed foursome are the tour’s string puller, Knowledgeable Scotty Learned, back left, and tainted Texas hemp criminal Wyatt S. “Bones” McCoy, back right.

BY CRASH CARLTON, ONS SPORTS COLUMNIST

Hold on, folks, Ol’ Crash has to pull over and dab at his peepers for a minute.

Can’t hardly see to type. I could blame allergies but I have to admit there might be actual tears involved.

Because the news backhanded me in the chest, too. I mean about what happened with Meds Mulligan, of course. And not just that he’s making a wild medical miracle comeback Tuesday at Rose City, but the way it came about.

When the cart tart honor guard wheels “Miracle Meds” to the first tee, well, Ol’ Crash won’t be the only one snuffling, I’ll bet you on that. You can say, “Oh, Crash, it’s just golf.” Except it isn’t.

You remember that Meds had that spinal tap surgery in which they repair some areas along the spinal column’s directional control network. I’m not a doctor, yet, but as I understand it they scraped out the snappity-hookity genetic material that was causing him to pull it left. But the breakthrough was that they replaced it with tissue donated by Irons, the sweet swinger.

That’s right. Just spackled it in there, aligned it just so and sewed him back up. I guess the medical theory is that the tissue from Irons, who hits it about as straight as anybody ever has, will take hold along the bone and prevent any bad swings from Meds.

Forty-eight hours later — 48 days, whatever — Meds is back on tour with the Golden Eagle medallion around his shaved neck and daring anybody to take it. As you know, tournament winners get to wear the Eagle until somebody beats them. Meds and Irons have basically been trading the Eagle back and forth the past couple seasons.

Meds, Irons, Meds, Irons - who can keep up? Certainly not “Nolly” Learned or Bones McCoy.

Ol’ Crash will be the first to tell you me and Irons have had our beefs. I’ve been hard on him over the years and sometimes he didn’t appreciate it. But somebody’s got to speak truth to lack of power, as they taught us in journalism school.

In this one case, Irons did the right thing. And now the Big Four is reunited and they will let it rip at Rose City on Tuesday. They’re only playing nine, so let the best 47 prevail.

Call the course for me, will you, Sugar, and tell them to reserve their fastest cart so I can tag along. And pass the popcorn, this is going to be, well, something.