Joe says he won't run for re-election.
You might have missed it amid all the news about Israel, Hamas, Ukraine and Russia, but here's what he told Congress the other night. We took notes.
“…the president of the United States.”
(Cautious applause)
Hello, hello everyone. Good to see you. Good to be here, please…thank you…please be seated.
(Screech from Colorado delegation, “Noo! YOU are seated!”)
(President glances up from lectern) Whoa.
(Solitary singsong from Georgia delegation, “Seater cheater, seater cheater! If he’s seated then he cheated!”)
(President shakes his head) I won’t miss any of that, for sure. (Glances at Pennsylvania delegation, smiles) What did you call it, John? Senator Fetterman? How did you put it? We’re not sending our best and brightest to Congress? That’s for sure.
(Points to Ohio delegation) Exhibit A. Hey, Gymmy, glad you found your jacket tonight. Do you guys have a Speaker yet? Hello?
(Gazes at Kentucky delegation) You proud of this, Mitch? You proud of what you allowed, Senator? Proud of how you enabled these bomb-throwing idiots to destroy this body of American government? Was it worth it? Speak up…
(Silence)
I know what you say in private, Mitch. I just don’t understand how you can be such a monstrous, cynical hypocrite in public, and allow this to happen. For what? Couple of Supreme Court seats?
(Silence)
Cat got your tongue?…Oh, sorry…
(Cautious applause)
Well, anyway, thank you, members of Congress, most of you, for having me here tonight. Obviously, it’s a dangerous, awful mess out there, with Israel, Hamas, Gaza, Hezbollah, Iran, and both of the Jordans — and let’s not forget Ukraine, Russia and even China. That’s why I proposed giving our allies $100 billion more in military help. We have to hold steady, folks, and frankly we may have to jump into a fight nobody wants.
Nobody wants wider war, except maybe Putin and Xi. We don’t want a wider war in the Middle East, in Europe, or anywhere else. But make no mistake, we will jump in hard, if we have to.
Like I’ve said before, we will protect ourselves and protect our friends.
(Shout from Florida delegation, “Drain Ukraine, no brain!”)
(President stares at Florida delegation) Matty, your problem is that nobody ever told you to shut the fuck up, and smacked you when you kept running your mouth.
(Whimper from Florida delegation, “I’m going to tell my daddy…”)
(President taps index card on lectern) Yeah, you do that.
(Cautious applause, muted call of “No yooo do that…”)
Folks, like I was about to say, we have to hold steady. We’ve got a pack of dumbshits here in Congress (Solitary whoop from Oregon delegation)…who just want to blow the place up, preferably with me in it…
(Cautious applause, delegational whispers)
That’s all right.
It will take a couple of House election cycles to clear out these fools, but thank goodness they only have two-years terms, right? And we’ll see what the American people have to say about all this, big time, come the presidential election in November 2024.
(Nervous California representative phones friend in Florida to apologize)
But that’s a year off, and we’ve got a bunch of shit that could hit le fan, if you’ll pardon my French. We could be in a war before then, maybe more than one, and in widely separated parts of the globe. We’ve got to be rock steady, baby, like Aretha Franklin said.
(Chorus from Michigan delegation, “What it is, what it is…”)
(President laughs) Anyway…ha…I came here tonight to acknowledge we’re in Flip City, internationally and here at home. We’ll get through it, but we have to stick together.
The thing is, there’s a big middle ground in America where most of left and right would gladly meet and solve some damn problems…
(Screech from Colorado delegation, “Quit cussing!”)
(Screech from Georgia delegation, “I hate you!”)
…The presidential candidate who campaigns on finding the center and fixing this country would find a wide, receptive audience, very quickly. It could be a Republican or a Democrat or an Independent of some kind. I don’t care, and I’ll bet most Americans wouldn’t care, either.
The next president should be somebody who calls us to the middle and says, “Let’s fix things.”
But the next president shouldn’t be me, and it shouldn’t be trump. I’m too old, and he’s too crooked.
(Muted murmurs, wails; Ohio representative puts himself in headlock, grunts)
That’s why I came here tonight: to tell Congress and the American people I’m not running for re-election (Collective gasp)… and trump should drop dead, I mean drop out, too. If the Republicans nominate that vile buffoon, he’ll get crushed. Again.
(Cautious cheers, jeers)
Here’s the thing: I think we ought to throw the presidential race wide open. A lot of people think Kamala here (Gestures) would be the locked in replacement candidate for me, but I don’t know. You haven’t caught on with people, Madame Vice President, and I guess that’s not fair but, sorry, it’s true.
No, I was thinking we should just throw it wide open and Kamala, you’ll have to compete for it like everybody else. Let the parties pick candidates at their conventions. We could have a bi-partisan, cross-party ticket, say Liz Cheney and Pete Buttigieg, here, my Secretary of Transportation. They’re both decent people, and Pete’s about the smartest guy you’ll ever meet. Liz is a conservative Republican of the old school, and I know her dad was a Dick, but she showed with her work on the Jan. 6 committee that she believes in democracy and the Constitution. That would be quite a combo, wouldn’t it?
(Simultaneous screeches from Colorado and Georgia delegations, “Why does he call it TRANS portation?” and “Stop teaching our schoolchildren about the TRANS continental railroad!”)
(President pauses, looks up)
You women are batshit crazy….
Listen, I don’t know who the Republicans would put up if they dump trump. Most of the current candidates are cowards or just plain stupid. I like Chris Christie, but he has too much baggage. I think Nikki Haley shows some promise, but she better cut clear from trump, and hard, if she wants to stand out. DeSantis is just an unhappy person with bad ideas, and he’d be a miserable president.
(Cautious muttering)
But I want to take myself out of it. People my age shouldn’t be president — shouldn’t be in Congress or the Supreme Court, either. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of holding things together, though.
I’m tired, and we have a lot to do.
We have to continue to help Ukraine defend itself, keep an eye on China and be ready to flatten Iran if it rises up against Israel. We have to allow the Israelis to wipe out Hamas, but protect the civilians in Gaza as much as possible.
At home, the problems are in plain sight: Housing, health care, jobs and education, to start with. Crime and immigration, too. We need to restore our manufacturing base, press ahead with alternative energy and make the filthy rich pay their fair share. We have to seek balance in all things, including land and water use and economic growth.
And way too many of us are overweight, sloppy and ignorant. Turn off your damn screens and go for a walk, for crying out loud. Say hello to your neighbors.
That’s probably the main thing. Most of all, we need to be good to each other. We need to be hopeful, helpful, optimistic and open-hearted. We need to be brave and decent. And we need a new generation of leaders to take charge now.
(Ohio representative throws himself to floor, struggles to escape hold he has himself in)
That’s my message tonight, folks. The next election will make us or break us. We don’t need election campaigns to stretch over years; you can size up a candidate in three months, max. So lets go into the conventions next summer ready to clear the air, kick ass, drop the bullshit, fire each other up and nominate people who will take us where we need to go.
People who will lead us to the American ideal, that vision of ourselves that we’ve never quite reached.
(Muted call regarding Hunter’s laptop)
You know, I’ve always been struck by the fact that every corner of the globe is represented in America. People from every corner of the globe have blossomed here. We have an absolute obligation to the world to make this American dream work, for everyone.
Good night.
(Cautious applause)
While things look pretty shifty all over this globe and we now have a maga criminal as speaker of the house , but still for his experience in this arena joe Biden is a calm , wise diplomat.
I wish the maga rotting psycho path gets taken down for all the logical reasons. This Congress we have now would have zero validity with out fear of trumps mafia. As their center rots in court it won’t get the votes. Their voting base is I truly believe a small percentage of republicans. Afraid to lose employment and yet would appreciate a more moderate stance in a bi partisan nation of law and order for all. In other wards being a fanatic and following the coming future of the repetition of lies by trump will undermine the scared stance of the radical right in congress. Two more years you said in this post. I think that is all. Can people wait. Will world war 3 happen before then? Who knows. But I think Biden’s policies for our economy and nation are viable means to go forward and may heal divisions in our nation. May we cause no destruction and may we prosper. From the bottom up. These are my hopes. b c m
😂 Good job speech writing!